introspection

[fallout]

I often see people say, "I need to get stuff done, so I'm giving up the internet (or part of the internet) for a while." I wish I could be strong enough to do this. I have no doubt that not having the internet around would make me more productive in school, work, and my other hobbies. And most of the time I spend on the internet is pointless and wasteful. I basically use the internet when I want to put something off. It's pretty rare that I'm online and I'm not thinking that there's something else I could and/or should be doing.

And yet, sometimes I feel like it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I can just forget all my problems for a little while and immerse myself in fandom. I can window shop for pretty earrings when I'm panicking about school. On the internet, I can actually be myself. I hide who I am from almost everyone in the real world, because my views are radically different from most people I know, including my family. If I was more open about them, it would only cause problems for everyone. The persona I show on the internet is still somewhat manufactured, because I've done this for so long I don't really know how else to live, but it's the closest I get to not lying about myself.

I'm sure that even the fact that the internet keeps me sane and allows me an outlet where I don't have to fear judgement is unhealthy, but I don't know what else to do.