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falloutAnother quote repository, this time from www.textsfromlastnight.com. This journal is quickly becoming my "where should I post this crap?" journal. I've also been reading through the Star Trek movie kink meme lately, with hilarious results, though I'll post more about that sometime later on my Inksome. Also, not bothering to italicize them this time. I'M LAZY.
(415): just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
(949): either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
(352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
(478): So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
(410): Sounds like a really classy character....
(478): He is classy. It was argyle.
(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
(469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
(540): what do you have against ST
(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
(651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
(631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
(607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
(860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
(860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
(319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
(847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
(319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that
(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
(908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
(612): you guys were way drunker than both of me
(918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
(909): I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
(918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
(789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
(321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
(650): Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
(515): Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
(712): Oh God
(515): I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
(570): I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
(281): 3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
(619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
(336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
( 44): if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
( 44): keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
(508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
(617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
(248): apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
(312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
(215): i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
(267): wow.
(215): yeah, it was that bad.
(619): wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
(1-619): maybe you did when you were drunk
(619): no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
(310): that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
(818): its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
(310): you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
(503): Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
(801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
(678): well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
(805): She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
(480): So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
(256): I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
(305): I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
(503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
(250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
(210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
(423): By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
(214): On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
(1-214): You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
(469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
(802): PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
(540): david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
(806): I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
(512): Did it?
(806): Not as such, no.
(201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
(802): I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
(847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
(816): you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
(646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
(1-646): what. the. fuck.
(847): i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
(903): Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
(301): Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
(215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
(610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
(440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
(1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
(205): we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
(681): Where are I am going home with Ryan
(601): I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
(917): Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
(954): My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
(917): Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
(323): I totes stole your whore crown.
(239): With great power comes great responsibility.
(505): I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
(910): the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
(518): You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
(785): You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
(508): Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
(757): he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
(806): My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
(937): Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
(425): If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
(908): my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
(403): She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
(617): Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
(502): She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
(732): I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
(617): Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
(206): That's when you crack a 10am beer
(484): Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
(815): There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
(508): He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
(443): Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
(518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
(859): While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
(901): oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
(901): fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
(717): this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
(812): Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
(219): I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
(203): I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
(302): I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
(254): you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
(305): If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
(651): sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
(1-651): you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
(937): Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
(937): He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
(315): playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
(315): warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
(561): At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
(915): Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
(814): I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
(626): i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
(740): ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
(360): If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
(858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
(702): I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
(909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
(978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
(801): If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
(630): I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
(949): Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
(585): This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
(989): I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
(407): i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
(612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
(507): god i miss watching you do this...
(519): i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
(610): question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
(405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
(732): I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
(540): i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
(707): OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
(1-707): Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
(810): kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
(419): I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
(260): Good luck with that.
(585): i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
(407): I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
(313): Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
(708): I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
(706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
(219): I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
(406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
(301): Fuck appropriateness.
(630): i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
(306): Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
(615): I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
(804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
(865): Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
(310): Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
(310): I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
(970): Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
(781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
(703): I can feel you judging me through the phone.
(310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
(423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
(215): No stitches, just platelets and will power
(985): BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
(601): Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
(772): Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
(636): Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
(515): You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
(1-515): Deal!
(703): Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
(415): I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
(646): Please don't use social media to get back at me.
(703): BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
(610): She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
(903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
(361): Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
(507): We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
(614): how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
(314): Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
(604): I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
(778): Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
(604): Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
(405): Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
(1-405): which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
(806): Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
(832): Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
(925): You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
(805): Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
(773): will power is for people who don't want to get laid
(715): I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
(403): I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
(403): Four. Poor grandma...
(925): we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
(508): billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
(940): You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
(904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
(225): what day is it and did you see me today?
(971): I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
(484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
(203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
(985): If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
(562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
(403): I don't remember. Are we still dating?
(856): take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
(650): It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
(402): mmm whisky
(402): reminds me of losing my job
(212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
(630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
(1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
(941): I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
(816): you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
(513): She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
(612): I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
(617): There is no way he is gay with that hair.
(415): Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
(734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
(231): the cocktail of hope
(206): Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
(203): Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
(206): Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
(603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
(1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way.
(904): at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
(417): when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
(708): A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
(905): dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
(317): honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
(714): We're chasing vodka with high fives
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
(403): i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
(847): I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
(209): i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
(610): walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
(215): watch out for the queen of hearts
(610): fuucck i forgot ab her
(210): Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
(732): i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
(774): i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
(713): yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
(818): WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
(609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
(609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
(512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
(443): no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
(541): at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
(1-541): only in oregon
(414): it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
(216): So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
(1-216): Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
(216): Take that integrity
(513): i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
(317): and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka
(705): never. drinking. again.
(1-705): lets not get ahead of ourselves.
(978): If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
(+44): Suck my cock
(+44-1): That conversation starter is getting really old.
(717): Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
(1-717): Haha how do you remember that?
(717): HOW COULD I FORGET?!
(509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
(860): Becoming a productive member of society?
(509): Sam. Come on.
(256): As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
(315): He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
(503): well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
(206): On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
(941): you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
(440): do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
(1-440): you should probably use water
(440): i dont have any
(740): i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
(661): seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
(440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
(440): Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
(814): I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
(860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
(858): she takes plan B like it's going out of style
(913): Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
(804): I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
(705): How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
(1-705): I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
(414): honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
(703): nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
(+26): Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
(917): She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
(646): Lmao what?
(917): It's a yes or no question.
(612): Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
(702): we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
(1-702): do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
(808): dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
(1-808): lock that shit down
(248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
(847): So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
(337): if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
(1-337): 4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
(337): mom cant say that college never taught us math
(847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
(708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
(857): we have officially mastered the walk of shame
(315): Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
(602): making cat noises will not fix the situation.
(706): well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
(617): What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
(646): Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
(440): i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
(248): Public safety found my id!
(248): And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
(469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
(619): its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
(415): just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
(949): either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
(352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
(478): So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
(410): Sounds like a really classy character....
(478): He is classy. It was argyle.
(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
(469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
(540): what do you have against ST
(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
(651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
(631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
(607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
(860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
(860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
(319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
(847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
(319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that
(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
(908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
(612): you guys were way drunker than both of me
(918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
(909): I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
(918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
(789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
(321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
(650): Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
(515): Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
(712): Oh God
(515): I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
(570): I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
(281): 3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
(619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
(336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
( 44): if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
( 44): keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
(508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
(617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
(248): apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
(312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
(215): i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
(267): wow.
(215): yeah, it was that bad.
(619): wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
(1-619): maybe you did when you were drunk
(619): no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
(310): that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
(818): its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
(310): you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
(503): Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
(801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
(678): well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
(805): She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
(480): So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
(256): I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
(305): I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
(503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?
(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
(250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
(210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
(423): By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
(214): On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
(1-214): You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
(469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
(802): PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
(540): david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
(806): I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
(512): Did it?
(806): Not as such, no.
(201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
(802): I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
(847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
(816): you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
(646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
(1-646): what. the. fuck.
(847): i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
(903): Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
(301): Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
(215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
(610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
(440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
(1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
(205): we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
(681): Where are I am going home with Ryan
(601): I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
(917): Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
(954): My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
(917): Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
(323): I totes stole your whore crown.
(239): With great power comes great responsibility.
(505): I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
(910): the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
(518): You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
(785): You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
(508): Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
(757): he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
(806): My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
(937): Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
(425): If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
(908): my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
(403): She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
(617): Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
(502): She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
(732): I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
(617): Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
(206): That's when you crack a 10am beer
(484): Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
(815): There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
(508): He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
(443): Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
(518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
(859): While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
(901): oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
(901): fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
(717): this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
(812): Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
(219): I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
(203): I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
(302): I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
(254): you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
(305): If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
(651): sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
(1-651): you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
(937): Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
(937): He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
(315): playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
(315): warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
(561): At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
(915): Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
(814): I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
(626): i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
(740): ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
(360): If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
(858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
(702): I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
(909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
(978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
(801): If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
(630): I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
(949): Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
(585): This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
(989): I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
(407): i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
(612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
(507): god i miss watching you do this...
(519): i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
(610): question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
(405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
(732): I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
(540): i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
(707): OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
(1-707): Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
(810): kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
(419): I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
(260): Good luck with that.
(585): i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
(407): I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
(313): Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
(708): I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
(706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
(219): I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
(406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
(301): Fuck appropriateness.
(630): i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
(306): Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
(615): I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
(804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
(865): Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
(310): Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
(310): I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
(970): Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
(781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
(703): I can feel you judging me through the phone.
(310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
(423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
(215): No stitches, just platelets and will power
(985): BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
(601): Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
(772): Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
(636): Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
(515): You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
(1-515): Deal!
(703): Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
(415): I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
(646): Please don't use social media to get back at me.
(703): BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
(610): She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
(903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
(361): Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
(507): We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
(614): how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
(314): Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
(604): I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
(778): Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
(604): Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
(405): Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
(1-405): which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
(806): Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
(832): Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
(925): You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
(805): Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
(773): will power is for people who don't want to get laid
(715): I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
(403): I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
(403): Four. Poor grandma...
(925): we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
(508): billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
(940): You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
(904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
(225): what day is it and did you see me today?
(971): I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
(484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
(203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
(985): If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
(562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
(403): I don't remember. Are we still dating?
(856): take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
(650): It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
(402): mmm whisky
(402): reminds me of losing my job
(212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
(630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
(1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
(941): I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
(816): you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
(513): She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
(612): I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
(617): There is no way he is gay with that hair.
(415): Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
(734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
(231): the cocktail of hope
(206): Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
(203): Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
(206): Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
(603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
(1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way.
(904): at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
(417): when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
(708): A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
(905): dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
(317): honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
(714): We're chasing vodka with high fives
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
(403): i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
(847): I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
(209): i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
(610): walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
(215): watch out for the queen of hearts
(610): fuucck i forgot ab her
(210): Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
(732): i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
(774): i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
(713): yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
(818): WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
(609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
(609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
(512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
(443): no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
(541): at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
(1-541): only in oregon
(414): it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
(216): So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
(1-216): Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
(216): Take that integrity
(513): i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
(317): and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka
(705): never. drinking. again.
(1-705): lets not get ahead of ourselves.
(978): If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
(+44): Suck my cock
(+44-1): That conversation starter is getting really old.
(717): Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
(1-717): Haha how do you remember that?
(717): HOW COULD I FORGET?!
(509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
(860): Becoming a productive member of society?
(509): Sam. Come on.
(256): As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
(315): He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
(503): well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
(206): On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
(941): you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
(440): do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
(1-440): you should probably use water
(440): i dont have any
(740): i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
(661): seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
(440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
(440): Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
(814): I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
(860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
(858): she takes plan B like it's going out of style
(913): Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
(804): I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
(705): How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
(1-705): I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
(414): honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
(703): nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
(+26): Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
(917): She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
(646): Lmao what?
(917): It's a yes or no question.
(612): Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
(702): we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
(1-702): do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
(808): dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
(1-808): lock that shit down
(248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
(847): So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
(337): if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
(1-337): 4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
(337): mom cant say that college never taught us math
(847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
(708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
(857): we have officially mastered the walk of shame
(315): Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
(602): making cat noises will not fix the situation.
(706): well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
(617): What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
(646): Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
(440): i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
(248): Public safety found my id!
(248): And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
(469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
(619): its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
